Fresh Start

I guess you know you’ve neglected your blog/website when you finally go to write a new post and it’s gone! Or not completely gone, but not what it was when you were last there, and only a skeleton of what it had been.  I’m sitting here in a state of minor shock because I was ready to reengage, to be committed, to start writing again.  And now I’m not sure what to do?

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Maybe it’s a sign from the universe.  But what does it mean? And what am I going to do?

I think what I’ll do is write the post I thought I was going to write and go from there. I haven’t written consistently for roughly 8 years.  What happened 8 years ago? I decided to join forces with my husband and work for his/our marketing firm. Coaching was great, but it wasn’t bringing in the kind of money we needed with two kids in private school.  And I recognized that I was not going to bust my ass marketing myself as a coach.  I’m not a salesperson.  I’m just not.  And even though I’m confident I am good at my job..my coaching job, I’m not going to sell myself beyond having conversations and being honest.

That’s what happened.  I kept coaching a few clients, but also dedicated myself to our company.  I got very busy.  Busier than I had been in a long time, so writing blogposts fell by the way side.  I made a few attempts over the years to reengage with it because I really loved it when I was writing, but something was blocking me.  I kept trying to figure out what that was, and then when I did write I just stopped again.  I have felt bad about it for 8 years. Not all the time, just some of the time. And then when I would declare I was back to writing and then not follow-through, I felt even worse.

That brings me to today.  Well, actually yesterday. I was talking with a woman I know through carpool.  I really like her but we don’t know each other that well.  She told me she was working with a coach, and then I realized she didn’t know I was a coach.  And that struck me.  Because I still work with clients and I still get so much pleasure from it.  There is nothing like having a good session with someone.  With having a palpable sense that I have added something good to the world. 

We were at a school function, so we didn’t have a chance to speak more, so I thought: “I’ll send her a link to my website.” And then I thought: “I can’t do that because it’s stale, and old and unloved.” And then I thought: “Well, I’ll write a post and then send it to her!”  And that’s where I landed while I was out exercising this morning.  As I often do, I composed what I would write as I walked. (I’m always amazed how eloquent it all seems while I’m walking and how hard it is to translate that eloquence to the actual page.)  I also burst into tears as I thought about writing and stopping it so many years ago. And you know, when you start crying you’ve hit on something. 

I got home, bathed, had my second cup of tea, futzed around with things I didn’t really have to do, and then thought: “Do it. Now.”  I tried to open my website to begin, and that’s when I found out it’s gone. I feel sad and bewildered.  How could I not know it is gone? And now I’m back to the “What do I do?” Do I start from scratch? Do I try to save elements? Do I run away? If I’m honest, it feels strangely right.  Like it had to happen. That’s uncomfortable, but here I am.